NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP

This is the beginning of my story, of my God, who has been faithful throughout my whole life.        

October 1965

As I climbed upon the bathroom sink to get the Mercurochrome  I was a little nervous, as I was told to never get something like this on my own. However, my mom worked and we had a teenage babysitter. Quickly, I opened the lid and put some on my scraped knee, spilling it on the pink rug my mom had just bought for the bathroom.  I immediately felt guilty and tried to get it up. I couldn't.  In my eight year old mind... to think, I would get a spanking was terrifying. I said to myself..."I hope they die before they get home."

Several hours later my sister who was 9, brother 5 and I, 8 sat on our blue sofa as a police officer stood before us, telling us "Your parents have been in an accident and now, they are in heaven".  My sister immediately began to cry, as did my little brother.  I just sat there thinking ..."That doesn't make sense... how could that be true? They drove separate cars."  I imagined them driving their cars and wrecking into each other...how could that even be possible???

Later, that night after going to bed, I wondered what it all meant.  I was soon to find out when my four cousins who lived in another town not too far away came bouncing in on our bed at about 2am.  They begin to tell us the details of the "accident." "We heard it on the radio...Your dad shot and killed your mom and put a gun up to his head and killed himself."  Now, this story made more sense to me, as my parents had been having some trouble the last few months and I had seen some pretty violent scenes. 

Later that night when everything finally settled down I prayed, "Now I lay me down to Sleep...I pray the Lord my soul to keep...If I should die...before I wake...I pray the Lord my soul to take.  I was afraid...what if I die??? I kept repeating, "If I should die before I wake...I pray the Lord my soul to take" If I died...I wanted to go to heaven.  I didn't know much about it but I had heard enough about the other place to know I didn't want to go there.  God was there that night, as I lay in my bed.

To be continued....another time. 

Struggling to Read

            How was it possible that I could make it all the way through the public school system and not really be able to functionally read?   Oh, I could read a little, the small words that were used frequently but had no clue as to how to decode a word.  Not knowing how to break a word into syllables or to sound it out was a problem for me, as I had no idea what each letter sound was or that they even had more than one sound.  I had a strong desire to know things but the only way I could really know anything was to take someone else’s word for it.   I could not read or comprehend on the level that our society demands.  I spent a lot of time faking it.

When silent reading time came in my 3rd grade class I heaved a heavy sigh inside.  There were books on a counter that we could read if we didn’t have our own.  I would wander over to the counter and pick the biggest and prettiest book to read.  Arriving at my desk, I would set the book in front of me, pretending to read, moving my head back and forth and then loudly turning the pages so everyone around me could hear and see me “reading”.  After all, that was what I perceived my classmates were doing.  Staring at page after page got boring so I would skip lots of pages at a time, then give a heavy sigh and slap the book closed as though I had finished reading the whole thing.  Getting up and returning the book to the counter, I would retrieve another, only to repeat the process as many times as necessary until reading time was over. It seemed so senseless to me, but I guessed that is what you are supposed to do when you are in 3rd grade.

Having gone to seven different elementary schools by the time I was in 4th grade, I sat in class and often wondered how the other kids knew what to do.  I remember having to do a  book report and I couldn’t read a book well enough to even know what the book was about.  I read the back cover to the extent that I could read and tried to use that information for my report.  I passed. 

Junior high school was so boring and I was totally lost but somehow made it through with at least passing grades, despite the fact, that by then, I had become a behavior problem.  High school was even harder and I had no idea what was going on, but needless to say, I graduated, not with the highest grades, but I passed and I was even able to get into a small college.

College was a little trickier as I couldn’t read the text books well enough to know what they said.  So, I listened very closely in class.  When test time came, I could at least pull off a “C” as long as the questions were from the lectures and multiple choice.  After taking a class where the material tested on was strictly from the book and not from the lecture, I found it beneficial to drop the class before I flunked.  It was crucial for me to find professors who didn’t test this way if I wanted to pass the class.

During my freshman year a friend who spent time with me reading and discussing the Bible always did the reading, until one day he asked me to read. Horrified, I tried to laugh it off. “I really can’t read,” I told him, hoping to be let off the hook and not have to read aloud in front of someone.

“I don’t believe that, you can’t get into college if you can’t read,” he told me, but after much coercion to read aloud, I began to prove my point.   Fairly quickly he said, “You really can’t read, can you?”

To my humiliation and embarrassment, I said, “I told you I couldn’t.”

Being a person who thought he could fix any problem he said, “You need to learn how.  Here’s what you do.  Every day read your Bible out loud, and your reading will improve.” 

I took his advice, each morning before my classes I would get up early to spend some time reading aloud.  Sitting in a quite stairwell, in my dormitory, reading out loud at least a chapter from my Bible before breakfast, did help a little. But, there were still so many words I had no idea how to read, so I just skipped or guessed what they were.  Nevertheless, after four years I did graduate with a degree in Psychology.  To be honest, I could hardly believe I graduated.  My GPA was low but I did graduate. 

A few years after graduating from college I married.  My husband and I didn’t have a TV, so for entertainment, in the evenings, we would read books together.   Christian Radio was something I loved listening to.  I would hear a story or interview that would spark my interest and would want to read the book they were promoting. I would call the toll free number and order the book. These were the books we read. My hunger for knowledge was strong. Reading a book aloud together, mostly with me reading, was probably difficult to listen to as I stumbled through the words, skipping ones I couldn’t read or taking a wild guess at what they were. I have to say, my loving and patient husband never complained as he listened, prompted me on words I didn’t know and didn’t even fall asleep.
  

My first son was born in 1986 and I was determined that my child would not fall between the cracks in the public school system as I had done.  I heard on the Christian radio station of people who educated their children at home.  I thought this sounded like something that could keep a child from having an experience like I had. Having never met one of these “homeschoolers” I began asking around and one of my friends told me she had a neighbor who homeschooled.  I found out she was having a yard sale, so I showed up, just so I could meet her.  That was my first encounter with this new way to educate children.

By the time my son was 3, I purchased a book called Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons by Siegfried Engelmann.  I opened that book and a whole new world opened up to me.  It was so simple, starting with how to blend letters to make words.  WOW!  I was so excited I began to look at books and words in a whole new light.  I started reading words I had not been able to read before.  By the time my son was 5, I ordered a very complete phonics program that went more in-depth.  When I opened the box and looked at it I broke out in tears, because I didn’t know how I could possibly teach this to my son.  It came with a tape and I immediately listened to it and realized I couldn’t even hear the difference in a short “e” and a short “I”.  Now part of this comes from growing up in the south where there isn’t a distinction in words like “pin” and “pen”.   I felt defeated but was determined, not only was I going to teach my son to read but I was going to learn to read myself. 

As I did that phonics program, learning along with my son, I was amazed at the things I never knew.  I read every children’s book I could get my hands on.  I loved reading!!   As the years went by I taught each of my 5 children to read and write and do all the things that I should have learned in school.   I took my kids to the library and we started reading the children’s books starting with the “A’s” and going to the end of the alphabet. We didn’t read every book in the library but we read a lot of them. Many times I walked out of the library with as many books as my 5 kids and I could carry, sometimes as many as 90 books and we would spend hours reading together.  As my kids advanced, I advanced.   Starting with very simple books and advancing to harder and harder books a whole new world was now at my fingertips.   I am so thankful for the privilege of homeschooling my kids and being able to learn along with them.  My confidence level soared!!! 

The skills I gained teaching my own children have served me well as I have had to read to get medical help for several serious medical issues in our family. Without this skill I would be at the mercy of doctors who had no answers for us.

As I look at my grown children and my teenagers I am amazed.  I have graduated 4 of my 5 children from homeschool with my oldest becoming a National Merit Scholar and getting his Master’s degree in Electrical and Computer Engineering. 

I also make it my goal to read through my Bible each year, because I am so hungry for God’s Word in my life; I don’t always get all the way through in one year but I have done it many times,  thanks to now being able to really read. I am also so proud to say that my oldest daughter read through her entire Bible four times before she was 17.  That gives me an incredible amount of joy, knowing there will be benefits from this in her life as a mom and wife to a military man.

 I lived my first 30 years with so many questions and the only way I could get answers was to depend on another person to tell me. Now, I can read anything and learn all I want! I can pick up a book or google it and learn for myself. I don’t have to take someone else’s word for it.  The adventures I took with my kids through the books we read together, I will always treasure.  But, most of all, I don’t have to fake it anymore.

Our Daily Banana

Photo by: Joshua Martin

“Our church was starting a food pantry,” I heard my friend say to me over the phone, “but it never really got off the ground.” This new church had received some donations and was trying to launch a food pantry but didn’t feel like they got enough to start one and now wasn’t sure what to do with the food they had gathered. When my friend’s husband heard that my husband had lost his job, she thought maybe we could use at least some of the food items. Being keenly aware that our family was on a medically required diet, she said to come and take whatever we could use and they would donate the rest to another church.

A small gift wrapped box was carefully placed just days before to represent “presents from God” in our wooden manger. Years before, my husband built a manger which we used for Christmas gifts; it had become a tradition and reminder of what Christmas was really all about. This year on December 1st my husband was informed that he no longer had a job. To make things more bearable I had the kids began to look for "presents from God" as they are all around us. Even when we don't have our focus on the fact, that every good gift comes from the hand of our Savior, these presents, do indeed, come all year long. We just don't pay attention. We needed to focus on the good things God has given us with a heart of thanksgiving.

Index cards were in the box and as we began to see God’s presents we were to write them down and place them in the box. Then we would, as a family, thank Him.

I met my friend at her little church to see what food items could be used by our family and our strict gluten and dairy free diet, to my surprise there were quite a few food items we could use. I brought the food home and wanting to be thankful for each little thing I counted and made a list as I was putting things in our pantry. Let me give you the list of things we received.

92 cans of various things
4 cans of juices (tomato, orange, apple, vegetable)
2 boxes of cocoa
2 bags of rice
3 bottles of BBQ sauce
2 apples and 2 bananas
1 container of icing

This list may seem insignificant to the ordinary reader, but let me tell you how God cares about the little things, down to intricate details. Things like cocoa, icing and bananas.

The 92 cans of food and the 4 cans of juices are things that did not go to waste, as they are all things we used regularly. The boxes of cocoa really tickled me, because my daughter, as a part of her breakfast, made herself a chocolate smoothie with cocoa powder almost every day for the past 7 years. That cocoa was a special gift to her from God. I was exuberant when I saw it and I knew that was placed in there just for her, as she was really struggling with the fact that her daddy was going through another job loss and the pressures it put our family under.

That one container of icing, made me laugh for joy. This may seem crazy to people who can eat anything but there are many things our family cannot eat that others take for granted. Once in a while, I actually buy icing, this particular brand, as a treat for my kids and they eat spoonfuls of it! I know that probably sounds disgusting but it probably isn't much worse than eating candy. Much candy contains either dairy or wheat and my family cannot eat it!! So this was a real treat for my kids. They loved eating the spoonfuls of icing for a treat.

The bananas were the biggest blessing and there were 2 of them. My son Josh, has Aspergers Syndrome, which is a mild form of autism. He would take banana and peanut butter on gluten free bread, to school, for lunch Monday through Friday. Trying to always keep bananas on hand made my life a little easier. We call banana’s “Josh food.” If we run out of bananas we may endure some cabinets banging and hearing a meltdown about how we have no food to eat. When the supply of bananas begin to run low maybe down to only 1 or 2 everyone knows not to eat them lest we endure some grief from Josh.

Upon seeing the bananas, he looked at them a little puzzled and said in his deep monotone voice, "Why only 2 bananas?" We had one banana already so I told him that with the other 2 he would have enough to last until Thursday. He replied, "I just need ONE more." One more would make lunches for him all the way until Friday. I assured him that God would supply his daily bread.

The next day another friend, called, “Our family was given some fruit and there was too much for our family of 3 to eat. Could you use it?” If so, she could bring it over immediately. I welcomed her in when the doorbell rang, and she put the fruit on the counter. Among the fruit of apples, pears, and oranges there was one lone banana!!

The kids were all excited when they saw the one banana, my daughter, matter-of-factly, said, "there's Josh's other banana!" He smiled knowingly; he knew it was from God, just for him. God really does supply our daily bread, or in this case, our daily banana.

Provisions

The company, my husband Greg, worked for, sold. They gave him a good severance pay and even kept him on until the very end with very good pay as a contractor. As the job ended, I figured out how long we could survive financially with our five children to support. I thought, “Okay, we could go until April and surely, Greg would have a job by then.”

Greg had finished a year long chemotherapy treatment for Hepatitis C just 2 years before and had never really recovered. Once Greg was at home, I began to realize how sick he was. He had a lot of anxiety, depression and even memory loss. There were days he would break down and cry and say, "I just don't know what to do." I would pray with him and try to encourage him to no avail. Nothing seemed to help. I began to think the Hepatitis C might be back since he still had many of the physical symptoms as well as the anxiety and depression.

April came, then May and still no employment in sight. The Lord stretched the money and it lasted longer than I would have thought. Finally, in June, Greg was offered a job in another state. We put our house on the market, we had an offer on it and then the company decided not to hire Greg. I had never heard of such. “How could they make a written job offer and then say we just decided not to hire you?” This was devastating. Still, we knew God was in control. On we trudged.

In July, Greg had a possibility of another job. It was just a possibility but looked very promising. The company brought him out for a week long working interview and at the end of the week he left without getting the job. By this time, I knew they must have picked up on the anxiety Greg had or maybe the short term memory loss he seemed to be struggling with. He was not doing well, and it was hard to hide. When he talked he didn't make sense at times. Upon returning from the interview he just sat in a chair and stared with no communication. Tears would well up in his eyes and roll down his cheeks.

Without knowing where we would get the money and having no insurance I was determined to get help for him and took him to several doctors. The doctors said he was depressed and prescribed an antidepressant. This did not  provide relief for the physical or even many of the mental symptoms. At this point, he was too sick to even function. He had trouble doing even the smallest of tasks. I was helping him through each day.

Providing the needs of a family of seven was beginning to look impossible by July, nine months without employment. I felt panicky, wondering what I could do to support us. Going to a job and leaving the kids home with Greg was not an option. I also didn’t feel as though I had marketable skills having been a stay at home mom since my first child came into the world.

Crying out to God and seeking counsel, no one seemed to understand. I felt a lot of condemnation. Soon, I realized this was totally out of my control.  I had to just trust the Lord, but how?

One night in August, a woman from my church called me. She told me the Lord woke her up in the night and she had a message for me. I grabbed paper and pen, quickly jotting down eleven pages of notes. There was no doubt her message was from the Lord.

She asked me, “Is there anything you can do?”

“Not that I can think of and every idea I come up with God seems to close the door.” I answered.

“Well,” with joy in her voice and I could imagine a twinkle in her clear blue eyes, she said, “When there is nothing else you can do, you are just where God wants you! You have to totally depend upon Him.”

Just as I thought we weren't going to be able to make it financially we started receiving checks and gift cards from people in our homeschool group and church.  I realized even though my faith was so little God still took care of us. My heart was encouraged and my faith became stronger.

By August I realized that November was coming fast and we had annual bills $5,000 over and above our normal expenses, things like insurance, taxes, etc. all due within that month. By this time, I had seen the hand of the Lord providing, so now my faith had become stronger. I wondered how God would provide.

The phone rang again, it was October and the woman from church called me a second time, “We can’t know what God is planning to do shortly.” is what she first said to me.

She believed God was going to provide a deliverance soon. She shared stories from the Bible such as; The woman with the Issue of Blood; she had spent all she had on doctors with no answers. (We had actually had some answers for some of our health issues) The day before Jesus came into town was just another day of suffering for this woman. She had no indication that she was destined for a marvelous healing by God’s Own Son, the very next day.

She encouraged me saying, “Trust God without a deliverance in sight. God can make a deliverance out of nothing.”

The man at the pool of Bethsaida had suffered for 38 years. He was languishing the day before Jesus visited; just another day of suffering. He didn't know the very next day was set and determined, from the beginning of the world that he would be delivered. Once again, there was no indication that anything was going to happen. Again, I was assured God was going to provide a deliverance.

We had received checks in the mail for $10, $20, sometimes $100 and even a small church had given us $500. I figured this is what the Lord was going to do, provide in $10's and 20's. With her encouragement I began to thank him for every little thing and was excited about the possibility of what God providing a deliverance was going to entail.

Chatting on the phone one Saturday morning in October, I received a certified letter. Opening it I found a check, not for ten dollars or even a hundred dollars but a check for ten thousand dollars, yes, that is what I said, $10,000.00 was in a card. I had to count the zeros to make sure I was reading it correctly.

This was a big deliverance, much bigger than I could have imagined. What made it even more remarkable was it came from someone who had no connection whatsoever to the woman from church who told me about the deliverance.

We were able to pay those bills that were due that November. Christmas came, God provided through that time for more than I have time to write about, things my children prayed for. Greg was still not doing well. I still had to totally trust that God would be our provider.

In January, we found out another very big piece of Greg's problems. It was his thyroid. Within 3 days of Thyroid medication, I had a new husband. His energy level was more than it had been for 9 years. His depression improved. His memory got better. He was able to resume looking for a job again.

Panic set in again, in April. It had been 17 months without an income, with a family of seven. We had seen the Lord miraculously intervene but surely the Lord wouldn't keep on doing these miraculous interventions forever. That last time was bigger than anything we could have imagined. Nope, I was sure God had done all He was going to do for us.

Once again my phone rang and it was the woman from church. She just called to check on us. I told her our situation and how I was panicking, again, as to how we would survive.

She said to me “Well, you know God doesn’t always do the same thing twice.”

I thought, “That is exactly what I thought....He won't do that again.”

A few days later, we received a check for $5,000.00 in the mail. I was humbled. God really did care about us! Even when things looked so bleak...God really did care!

Guess what? Eventually, that money was gone...I tried my best to make it last as long as possible. We were finally down to $300.00 and two weeks later God supplied a job for Greg.

We went 18 months, a family of seven, husband unemployed and ill and not only survived but didn’t go in debt. God met our needs.

So many times I still panic and worry and then I am reminded of what God has done in our lives and am ashamed that I would even question His care for me.

I find my behavior is much like the Children of Israel who complained every time things got hard but God in his grace and mercy would turn around and do another miraculous thing. My prayer is that I don’t forget, ever, what God, in his infinite mercy has done for us.

Joshua 4:2-9 New International Version (NIV)

Joshua 4:2-9

New International Version (NIV)

² “Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, ³ and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.”

⁴ So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, ⁵ and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, ⁶ to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ ⁷ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”
⁸ So the Israelites did as Joshua commanded them. They took twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, as the Lord had told Joshua; and they carried them over with them to their camp, where they put them down. ⁹ Joshua set up the twelve stones that had been^[a] in the middle of the Jordan at the spot where the priests who carried the ark of the covenant had stood. And they are there to this day.